This happened months ago

Well well well. I was reading a baby blog ( Hankandlucy.blogspot.com) and thought wow it's so cool that they're documenting all this. Then I remembered that's what I intended to do over here. So now i am back, for a little while.

There have been some changes. I finished school for the summer and today i landed a job (that is fantastic & wonderful). I start in 2 weeks.

We have also agonized over the concept of the wedding. It took us a full 4 months to figure out what kind of wedding felt right for us. We decided that we wanted an intimate wedding.We wanted our guests to be people who knew us well and loved us both. We were hoping to avoid guests who would wonder what was for dinner during the ceremony so we could spend more time with people who are a big part of our lives all year round. We wanted to celebrate just like it was any other day and skip the whole big to-do part of weddings. We wanted the people there And it was fantastic to both come to this agreement and feel right about it.

Then we told my parents. And they were cool with it. And then we told them again to double check. And again. And they were cool with it. And then when we had gotten used to the idea they decided that they weren't cool with it. I guess the whole wedding concept finally sunk in and it turns out they did have some feelings about not inviting all the extended family. Which is fair enough.

So I cried. Quite a bit. One thing I know about myself is that once I'm attached to something, whether it's a person, thing or idea, it takes me some time to let go of it. So I cried and we talked about it. My parents each called me every day for several days after they told us how they felt and I put off their calls. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I didn't want to explain myself or make them feel like they needed to explain themselves. We both had legitimate concerns. Sometimes that's how it is.

Then one day, we decided to just explore our different options and open our minds to a few new ideas for the wedding. We decided to figure out how to incorporate a larger guestlist into the wedding we wanted. I discovered that I was more attached to a laidback and intimate feeling for the wedding day rather than a small guestlist.


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*edit: This post has languished unfinished for months now. Since I'm trying to document this whole wedding planning process, I've decided to publish it as is. To make a long story short... We're having a small island wedding. The end.

Today!

Hey there. What? No, I'm not dead. Yes, I'm still engaged. I guess I just haven't had too much to say to the internets lately. And I've been insanely busy with school and my business.

Wedding planning was immensely exciting for a while. Then I hit a road block and it was immensely depressing. All the options just felt so.... wedding. Go figure. But I digress. Because today, today! Today, we decided something for good. We are having a small ceremony and then a large reception. It's what I wanted from the beginning, but when you get planning things start to seem less possible somehow and all forces funnel you into a cookie cutter wedding because it's what's easy in your price range, it's what's been done before, and it's what people expect. But today we are throwing off these wedding shackles and doing it our way. We're having a small, teeny tiny ceremony somewhere in the wilderness. I might make people hike. I might make them picnic. But that's not important because our teeny tiny ceremony is going to be ours, just as we want it, and it's going to be awesome.

That is all.

God + war

I have mixed feelings about religion. I myself don't partake in any religion and neither does the fiancee (although coming from a Mexican Catholic family his ideas about not participating in religion are likely different than mine). My only experiences with religion came from 1) going to a Christian summer camp (is there any other kind?) and 2) attending youth group with Christian friends in high school. After seriously considering the idea for years, I swung in the other direction and came very close to saying without guilt or fear that god did not exist. In recent years I have expanded my definition of what God might be, and have come up with a concept that is more palatable to me than anything presented to me in my dabbles with Christianity. I'm still not sure where i stand on the whole issue though. The fiancee however is quite clear, God exists, He is important, though religion is not so great.

Previously we had discussed getting married outside and not in a church. This seemed to be okay. Today though, we were talking about the wedding and I discovered some interesting things. 1) He feels that some people, although not him, will feel that a wedding anywhere other than a church is not a real wedding and 2) If the situation was different and we were in Mexico, or all of his family was going to be here, he might want to be married in a church.

I'm not too sure what to do with that information. Our wedding won't be a real wedding? It might be more meaningful for him in a Mexican church? Does that mean it won't be as meaningful to you here? I'm still processing that.

We then discussed our vows. He would like God to be included in them. I had pretty much counted on them being secular. I'm not too sure what's it's going to feel like standing up there and hearing someone talk about God to me before I make deeply important commitment. I don't want any part of those vows or my statement of commitment to the fiancee to feel inauthentic to me. Nor do I want to deny the importance of acknowledging our union in front of God to the fiancee.

I think it's going to take me a while to come to terms with this. And it's also going to be a very delicate process piecing our vows together. Any advice?

Dreams

He wakes up very early. Very early.

And so he sleeps early too. Today he made the announcement at 9:30, but I managed to get bedtime conversation with him until 10:30. I don't mind. He's beside me when I fall asleep, even if no matter how dark it is outside when i wake up and hopefully reach my hand to the other side of the bed there's only blankets. 

The thing is, he likes to fall asleep with me beside him and he's been asking for me to join him with such a sad look on his face. I would love to make him happy, but I was not blessed with the ability to roll over and just be asleep like he was. If I go to bed when I'm not tired I will stay awake for hours trying to fall asleep. Alas, he continues to ask. So we compromise. Sometimes I lie there as he falls asleep. Sometimes I do this, and type on my computer while he's off dreaming.

I sure wish he'd be there when I wake up though. At least we have Sundays.

it's snowing outside.

WE ARE ENGAGED!

Yeah. You know what? I was reading the last couple posts I wrote and nope, fuck it. I spent most of the Christmas holidays trying not to cause too much squealing as I announced that the boyfriend and I are engaged and look at my pretty ring, and omg I love it so much. I'm not big on being the centre of attention so I told people quietly, like it was you know, no big deal and hey, how was your Christmas? But I'm pretty fucking exciting about it so here internets, I'm gonna yell now.


WE ARE IN LOVE AND WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

obnoxious? Oh well, suck it internet. I deserved that.

Yipee!

Christmas Day

I am filled with too much turkey. I have swum in oceans of wrapping paper. I have been surrounded with smiles and laughter and love. It's Christmas. I still believe in Santa. There is absolutely some kind of Christmas magic that happens on this day.

And this year, it arrived in a very special way, at the bottom of a Christmas stocking and in the eyes of the man I love. It is sparkling at me in the corner of my eye as I type. It is a symbol of our commitment to each other, and the next steps in the journey we are taking together. It fits me perfectly, as does my new role of fiance, prometida. We are engaged to be married and nothing has ever felt so natural. It's a bit like finding something you didn't know you were missing. With it, I feel more at home than I ever did without it.

Still, I find myself constantly surprised by a sparkle out of the corner of my eye, or when I glimpse it in the mirror. It's been less than 24 hours and I'm still marvelling at the change. When I see my reflection, it's a bit like looking at someone else. I wonder who that happy, grown up looking woman is, and I'm tickled to realize that it's me. 

It's a wonderful day. Merry Christmas everybody.

One flew over

Recently I have been feeling a bit, well, shall we say antsy. I have been prone to sudden, yet subtle, pouty mood swings in which my subconscious begins to ponder whether or not the boyfriend really loves me as much as he says he does. Meanwhile, my conscious-self tries to hide the crazy from the boyfriend while also trying to elicit soothing, loving gestures from him to soothe the angst of my subconscious. Since there is nothing i am more sure of in this world than the fact that we love each other like shooting stars and rainbows, this terrible display of ridiculousness has been a bit frustrating.

The trouble is, I don't like waiting, and I don't like not knowing how much longer I have to wait. I just want to tell people already and shout from the rooftops that WE ARE IN LOOOVE!!!*&#^!%!!!!

So today, I tried to have a conversation without having a conversation and it ended like this:

him: well, we'd kind of lose the surprise.

me: yeah, but it's happening?

him: it's happening.

And now I can wait, happily, hopefully non-crazily, until it really happens.

A little self-acknowledgement

Over at Los Angeles Love, she writes "I f*cking rule Friday" and celebrates her accomplishments over the week. This week, that sounds really good to me so let's give er a try.

I f*cking rule this week because.... I am letting my ambition run freely and I'm embracing opportunities as they come. So often, something awesome comes along and I find a bunch of reasons why it wouldn't be possible and just let the idea drift away. I've been satisfying myself with the status quo for so long and not even looking for opportunities to be happy and have what I want. Well no more! I am taking this life for all it's got to offer.

So I f*cking rule because....

I am starting my own business. Yep, I am. It's just a little baby business at the moment but I'm taking the steps towards a child size business, and eventually a full grown business. I am starting a wedding photography business. Because you know what? I take good photos, and I like it. And I know I have more to offer brides than just the generic smiling and jumping photos that get passed around as wedding photography in this town. So yep, slowly but surely I am doing this thing. It would have been so easy to tell myself that it's a stupid idea, or i'm not good enough, or i don't know enough, or it just wouldn't work. But I didn't and that pretty f*cking awesome.

I f*cking rule because I am kicking ass in my Masters degree. Yep, sometimes it kicks my ass too but this week I have been proactive, taking control and gettin 'er done.

I f*cking rule because I am kicking ass with the boyfriend. I have managed this week to eke out more time to just hang around with him and honour our relationship. On Wednesday we spent three hours lying in bed and talking. After last week's madness we really needed that time and space and I'm f*cking proud to say that I was smart enough to realize that, and actually make the time to do it. It was lovely, restful, and just what we needed.

I f*cking rule because I am taking opportunities to grow and be more. I found a job posting for a really awesome part-time job that would bring in some much needed moolah this year while I'm in school until the contract expires in March. And it would be great for my career. The time commitment is a little high, but i'm not letting that stop me. I plan to apply and if I get an interview, I plan to sell them on the fact that they  need to hire me because I will save them money by doing the job more efficiently than someone else, in less time, and I'll do it better! A little ballsy, but I like it.

One last thing, I finally invested in the stock market. I'd had money sitting in an online investing account just waiting for me to put it somewhere, anywhere, for months. I finally figured out how to buy stocks and I pressed the d*mn button!

No more telling myself that I can't, or sabotaging myself by not working hard for what I want. No more playing by the rules. I will not take what I am given, I will go for what I want! I will have my cake and eat it too! I will drink every last drop that this beautiful, wonderful life has to offer!

Charity

You guys remember the typewriter story? Well after that I kind of decided I didn't need a typewriter anyway, and where the heck would i even put it? But I did tell my mother about the experience. And she told some friends of hers about it. And I guess they were pretty eager to get rid of their old typewriter, because the next time I spoke to my mom she said there was a typewriter waiting for me in the garage.

Really the last thing I needed was an old typewriter to deal with but apparently I had inherited this one and there was no undoing it. My parents brought it to thanksgiving and left it out on the porch in an old yellowed cover that greeted us when we arrived. A round of jokes were told throughout the night at our expense and we were warned not to try and leave it behind. So we lugged the extremely heavy thing home with us at the end of the night.

At home we got a better look at it. I sat it on our bedroom dresser.

and I'm kind of in love with it.

house wifery

Ever since I started school again I find myself becoming more and more inclined to do domestic-y type things (how on earth do you spell that?). I've started cooking more, and using recipes, which i think the boyfriend is loving. I've also had this fall urge to finish the little projects around the house that i've had on my list forever. The balcony garden is growing nicely, i'm getting acquainted with the new indoor plants (succulents!), my desk is finally organized, the recipe book is growing. i finally put up a shelf in the bathroom today making that the one room in the apartment that is complete, and i dare say, looks damn nice.

I'm pretty sure that attacking my to-do list has been more about trying to get the house in order before i melt away into graduate school. But this whole cooking thing is throwing me for a bit of a loop. I've never been much of a cook so I'm finding it hard to explain this latest urge to actually follow recipes and make .... real food. The other day i made chicken cordon bleu. Just, what? and it was easy! and it was good! i can't explain it. My mother was not much of a cook. She focused more on the healthiness of the food, rather than the pleasure taken from cooking or eating it. So the succession of tasty dinner plates has been a bit baffling. Today i think i finally put my finger on it though. I think that since i am now a student and not bringing home a paycheck, i've been unconsciously stepping up my game on the housework side of things. You know, to make sure i'm contributing equally (even though i have a nice little scholarship which definitely contributes, although a bit less than usual). Part of me thinks that's so very unprogressive of me. And the other part of me thinks, forget stereotypes, it's kind of cool and i might just embrace it... at least i'll learn how to cook.

a shift

 I wrote this post in July and thought i'd come back and edit it, but it turns out that i don't edit, i just post stuff. so i forgot about this one. I don't want to forget about it though because this sentiment was part of a shift in our relationship, part of extending our roots into the ground together. So here it is.


The boyfriend and I live together. July 1st marked our one year anniversary living together. (Also, it was Canada day. Happy Birthday Canada). Over this year our relationship has shifted. We moved in together pretty quickly, so the beginning was a mad rush of going out for dinner, or to the park, or to watch the sunset, go dancing, shopping, meeting friends etc, etc, etc. As we've grown into our lives together, and added some new financial goals, we've started doing those date- like things less and less. Our relationship has become a bit more about errands and reading books and watching tv. I don't wait in bed until he wakes up all the time anymore, although i still do like watching him sleep if i wake up first. I don't always ask what he wants to do. I spend more time doing my own things in the house. and that's great. this weekend we were struggling for ideas about what to do. we'd gone out for dinner, it was saturday night and we didn't know what to do next. I was struggling to come up with an idea, any idea, that might be entertaining. Eventually, he said he was okay if we just went home. We rented a movie. he fell asleep halfway through. it was our saturday night. I worried that maybe he felt like our relationship was boring, maybe he missed doing all the things we used to. shouldn't our saturday nights be more exciting?


but when i asked him, he pointed out that we live together. And our relationship is more about living our lives together and less about keeping each other entertained, and i felt better. i love that he has the ability to point something out and make me feel better so quickly. 

lucky lucky

I just made my first cream sauce and i'm feeling very domestically accomplished. I've officially entered territory uncharted by my mother. At any rate, that creamy accomplishment is making me feel better about the new pet our apartment seems to have acquired. (It is unwelcome and I spent an entire day cleaning EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE).

Anyways, i've finished the first week of my masters program. Many weeks more to come. I'm really excited about it though. It's nice to be back and thinking critically. My classmates are really nice and the profs are smart and approachable so all in all i'm pretty happy in my mountains of reading.

In case you were wondering, our vacation was wonderful. We spent 3 lovely nights on a tiny little island occupied by hippies and artists. It was the boyfriend's first time ever camping and we took advantage of every minute... beautiful hikes, stunning beaches, awesome farmers market, skinny dipping and roasting marshmellows (for the first time ever! how did he survive!?!) Not to mention the stars. the stars! Outside the city everything is so much brighter and the milky way was a magical swath of light across the sky up there. Lying on the beach and looking at stars while police go around making teens pour out their liqour... nothing better. It was one of those serindipitous weekends where everything (okay not everything but still) was just right with the world.

And now, school. I've got a big 'ol smile on my face typing this. I am a lucky lady.

it's on!

The trip is on! We have 4 wonderful days together. We're hightailing it off to an island that is very difficult to get to and the ferry costs are astronomical. I have to tell myself to quiet the screaming voice inside me that's saying "what? just for a boat!?" when I see how sweetly the boyfriend talks about enjoying the ferry ride and getting some sun on the top deck. So I have today to do everything (!) and then four blissfull, hopefully sunny days to let water and sun wash away any stresses and leave us relaxed and calm for September. Wish us luck and good weather! Have a great long weekend!

Dun duh na na!

i meant for that to sound triumphant so i hope it doesn't read like jaws. Today was the last day of my summer job (whooopee!) AND, AND, AND... I have 6 whole days off until i go back to school (for the first time in 3 years! I am excited yet terrified. pre-reading be damned). When I imagined this moment i thought i would want to get outta town and spend these 6 days somewhere else, anywhere else before the realities of student life hit me again. Just kick up my heels and go swimming for a week. And the boyfriend and I have made a plan sort of. He is planning to ask his boss if he can have time off for us to go away over the long weekend for a few days and come back just before school starts on Tuesday. So far we've calculated costs, mapped driving routes and determined that yes campsites are available and yeah we have all the stuff we'd need. Bit spur of the moment, like everything else, but it's do-able.

But now that it's actually here i'm not so sure i psyched about going. It poured rain today and while my head was already in a fall state of mind (Productive! and ready to accomplish things! things! like reading! buying new clothes! and of course some textbooks!), today I broke out my comfy pants (which usually don't see the light of day until Novemeber) in response to this weather and i feel like staying inside and tackling the massive to-do list i have before school starts and i have to stare at the damn list for another year without a hope of accomplishing any of it.

Plus, I bought stuff today. For the apartment. So now i'm possessed with notions of redoing the bathroom in a lovely seaside motif and recovering the kitchen chairs, and maybe i could do something about these lampshades? and what the hell i might as well visit my parents so i can visit every home decor store in the hours drive between me and them. So yeah. I've got the fall crazies right now.

So I don' t know if we're actually going to make this vacation or not. it would be nice since we haven't been on a vacation together this year and we should get in some bonding and cuddles before i spend all my time cuddled up with books and throwing expletives at my computer. But then, it would be nice to cross out some things on that to-do list, maybe tackle some more of that pre-reading, and get into the school state of mind again. I guess i'll be happy either way. We'll see what happens. i'll keep you posted.

in which she learns more than she wanted to

We had an interesting conversation a few nights ago and I learned more about him than I wanted to. See, i live a very idealistic life. I carefully select the kind of thing that i allow into my life. I don't consume negative news images, don't frequently watch disturbing movies, the people in my life are pure loveliness and intelligence, with a hearty dose of sparkle and amazingness. They are as close to perfection as I have been able to find. I work in a pretty good place, or at least the aims of the field are admirable and you know, things just work out for me and i work hard to keep it that way.

So chatting about the realities of my boyfriend's illegal Mexican existence here in Canada has been eye opening. I know that bad things exist but never imagined that they existed so close to me. He knows and works with some pretty unsavory people. How can you exist in such a sphere and still be so full of goodness? Proximity with that kind of thing would tire me right out in a heartbeat. I wonder how you can be so close to that and still believe in humanity. Certainly his perceptions on the world around us are different from mine, and sometimes that bugs me. I enjoy my ignorance and innocence about some things. If i believed in god, i would pray that this time won't last much longer for him, that things will get better soon. But i think we still have a good long stretch ahead of us. None of this will be easy for him or us. Not one little bit.

dawn

At work today my coworker was describing how she describes us to other people. and I was described as the kinda quiet, motherly type. I stopped her there in mock horror (but not very mock really) at being described as motherly. ( I'm still young! I still fit jeans that aren't too many sizes bigger than the ones i wore in highschool! )

She protested though that she just thought that i was the one who would make a good mother. And that made me smile. A lot.

small victories

one more, just because lately this has been more of an issue than i'm used to....

I just looked in my bank account and there is a little bit of money in there, yipee!

umm hi

i have abandoned beautiful wedding photo blogs. They give me bad energy from looking at them too much and they skew my priorities in a bad way. And I have been feeling distinctly un-weddingy. which makes sense since i'm not engaged yet. I've also been taking a photography class twice a week after work which has stretched me pretty thin. I'm happy to say that next week is the last class and that i know how to use my camera now. I'd really like to get into wedding photography (have i said that already?). Partly because i can really help us along while i'm in grad school and partly because i looked at photographers in my area and thought surely i can do better than that. Anyhoo, head over to APW again today for a very smart post from one lovely lady.

endings & beginnings

This past weekend I learned that one of my friends has ended her engagement to her partner of 7 years, and with good reason. She moved all of her things out of the home they shared for 3 years. It's all over. She is handling it all admirably and I believe that in the end it will all be for the best, because well, it always is.

But the situation got me thinking. Just one month ago, I told my boyfriend that I only knew two rock solid golden couples that I knew I could count on. And my friend was one of those couples.

I went a bit loopy over hearing this news. I began wondering how i could be certain my own relationship would last if I could be so wrong in my intuitions about my friend's relationship. I mean, surely if certain "signs" are present in a relationship everything will turn out okay right? How am I supposed to know what a healthy, lasting relatinship is supposed to look like if nobody i know actually has one? It's like all this time I thought there was a map out there to get to a lasting, loving relationship and now I've found out that nobody ever knew how to get there.

I suppose I always thought that somebody had the answer. Somebody had that relationship that you're "supposed" to have. Somebody knew how to do things right. But everywhere you look people seem to be doing it wrong. Divorces happen. Relationships that seemed so right later break down. Even when people have been married for decades, you often wonder what exactly is making it work....they don't seem to be the epitome of happiness and contentment after having worked out their relationship over decades so it runs like a finely oiled machine sprinkled with displays of spontaneous affection. I mean, isn't that what we were always promised it would be like? What are we really aiming for if nobody has the answers and the perfect marriage we've been promised is some elusive creature that is rumoured to exist but rarely ever spotted?

I feel now, more than ever, that he and I as a couple, are truly set free from any anchors or moorings we may have had and we are on our own. We cannot look to anyone but ourselves for direction. I feel like he and I are on a boat together and we have no map and no destination but we are responsible for steering that boat. I have no examples, no comparisons, no precedents that can guide me. It is all up to heart. This feeling is at once frightening and liberating. We are own our own journey now, and while we can't look to others to guide us, we most certainly can be responsible for guiding ourselves.

till death do us part

Today on APW, Meg is discussing the implications of till death do us part. I also believe in the importance and meaning behind the words "till death do us part". My boyfriend has had a very difficult year. His mother passed away suddenly and too young. Work has been difficult to come by. Financially we've struggled, and we've been dealing with immigration. I have had the opportunity to stand by him through all this and know there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. These experiences have brought us closer. I have seen his faith in our relationship solidify.

I haven't had many opportunities to experience his unwavering support and love through difficult times. I have had a wonderful year and sometimes feel like i am leading a charmed life. But when I do struggle, he never fails to support me with the full strength of his being. Most recently I felt his unfaltering support while throwing a fit of rage after discovering that due to very poor, careless advice from my program advisor for my masters program, i had missed an important deadline to apply for desperately needed and significant funding from the school. After cursing, crying and throwing a sheaf of paper on the ground, he came to me, kneeled by my side and said "you're better than this" in the least judgemental way. Although at the time i continued to rage, I was touched by his acceptance of my faults and his gentle prodding to act like the better person he sees me to be. I know we will go through more difficult times, and they won't be pleasant, but i am happy to know that at least i can look forward to feeling his unwavering support for me when i truly need it.