i meant for that to sound triumphant so i hope it doesn't read like jaws. Today was the last day of my summer job (whooopee!) AND, AND, AND... I have 6 whole days off until i go back to school (for the first time in 3 years! I am excited yet terrified. pre-reading be damned). When I imagined this moment i thought i would want to get outta town and spend these 6 days somewhere else, anywhere else before the realities of student life hit me again. Just kick up my heels and go swimming for a week. And the boyfriend and I have made a plan sort of. He is planning to ask his boss if he can have time off for us to go away over the long weekend for a few days and come back just before school starts on Tuesday. So far we've calculated costs, mapped driving routes and determined that yes campsites are available and yeah we have all the stuff we'd need. Bit spur of the moment, like everything else, but it's do-able.
But now that it's actually here i'm not so sure i psyched about going. It poured rain today and while my head was already in a fall state of mind (Productive! and ready to accomplish things! things! like reading! buying new clothes! and of course some textbooks!), today I broke out my comfy pants (which usually don't see the light of day until Novemeber) in response to this weather and i feel like staying inside and tackling the massive to-do list i have before school starts and i have to stare at the damn list for another year without a hope of accomplishing any of it.
Plus, I bought stuff today. For the apartment. So now i'm possessed with notions of redoing the bathroom in a lovely seaside motif and recovering the kitchen chairs, and maybe i could do something about these lampshades? and what the hell i might as well visit my parents so i can visit every home decor store in the hours drive between me and them. So yeah. I've got the fall crazies right now.
So I don' t know if we're actually going to make this vacation or not. it would be nice since we haven't been on a vacation together this year and we should get in some bonding and cuddles before i spend all my time cuddled up with books and throwing expletives at my computer. But then, it would be nice to cross out some things on that to-do list, maybe tackle some more of that pre-reading, and get into the school state of mind again. I guess i'll be happy either way. We'll see what happens. i'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
weddings i like
Thursday, August 26, 2010
in which she learns more than she wanted to
We had an interesting conversation a few nights ago and I learned more about him than I wanted to. See, i live a very idealistic life. I carefully select the kind of thing that i allow into my life. I don't consume negative news images, don't frequently watch disturbing movies, the people in my life are pure loveliness and intelligence, with a hearty dose of sparkle and amazingness. They are as close to perfection as I have been able to find. I work in a pretty good place, or at least the aims of the field are admirable and you know, things just work out for me and i work hard to keep it that way.
So chatting about the realities of my boyfriend's illegal Mexican existence here in Canada has been eye opening. I know that bad things exist but never imagined that they existed so close to me. He knows and works with some pretty unsavory people. How can you exist in such a sphere and still be so full of goodness? Proximity with that kind of thing would tire me right out in a heartbeat. I wonder how you can be so close to that and still believe in humanity. Certainly his perceptions on the world around us are different from mine, and sometimes that bugs me. I enjoy my ignorance and innocence about some things. If i believed in god, i would pray that this time won't last much longer for him, that things will get better soon. But i think we still have a good long stretch ahead of us. None of this will be easy for him or us. Not one little bit.
So chatting about the realities of my boyfriend's illegal Mexican existence here in Canada has been eye opening. I know that bad things exist but never imagined that they existed so close to me. He knows and works with some pretty unsavory people. How can you exist in such a sphere and still be so full of goodness? Proximity with that kind of thing would tire me right out in a heartbeat. I wonder how you can be so close to that and still believe in humanity. Certainly his perceptions on the world around us are different from mine, and sometimes that bugs me. I enjoy my ignorance and innocence about some things. If i believed in god, i would pray that this time won't last much longer for him, that things will get better soon. But i think we still have a good long stretch ahead of us. None of this will be easy for him or us. Not one little bit.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
dawn
At work today my coworker was describing how she describes us to other people. and I was described as the kinda quiet, motherly type. I stopped her there in mock horror (but not very mock really) at being described as motherly. ( I'm still young! I still fit jeans that aren't too many sizes bigger than the ones i wore in highschool! )
She protested though that she just thought that i was the one who would make a good mother. And that made me smile. A lot.
She protested though that she just thought that i was the one who would make a good mother. And that made me smile. A lot.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
small victories
one more, just because lately this has been more of an issue than i'm used to....
I just looked in my bank account and there is a little bit of money in there, yipee!
I just looked in my bank account and there is a little bit of money in there, yipee!
umm hi
i have abandoned beautiful wedding photo blogs. They give me bad energy from looking at them too much and they skew my priorities in a bad way. And I have been feeling distinctly un-weddingy. which makes sense since i'm not engaged yet. I've also been taking a photography class twice a week after work which has stretched me pretty thin. I'm happy to say that next week is the last class and that i know how to use my camera now. I'd really like to get into wedding photography (have i said that already?). Partly because i can really help us along while i'm in grad school and partly because i looked at photographers in my area and thought surely i can do better than that. Anyhoo, head over to APW again today for a very smart post from one lovely lady.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
endings & beginnings
This past weekend I learned that one of my friends has ended her engagement to her partner of 7 years, and with good reason. She moved all of her things out of the home they shared for 3 years. It's all over. She is handling it all admirably and I believe that in the end it will all be for the best, because well, it always is.
But the situation got me thinking. Just one month ago, I told my boyfriend that I only knew two rock solid golden couples that I knew I could count on. And my friend was one of those couples.
I went a bit loopy over hearing this news. I began wondering how i could be certain my own relationship would last if I could be so wrong in my intuitions about my friend's relationship. I mean, surely if certain "signs" are present in a relationship everything will turn out okay right? How am I supposed to know what a healthy, lasting relatinship is supposed to look like if nobody i know actually has one? It's like all this time I thought there was a map out there to get to a lasting, loving relationship and now I've found out that nobody ever knew how to get there.
I suppose I always thought that somebody had the answer. Somebody had that relationship that you're "supposed" to have. Somebody knew how to do things right. But everywhere you look people seem to be doing it wrong. Divorces happen. Relationships that seemed so right later break down. Even when people have been married for decades, you often wonder what exactly is making it work....they don't seem to be the epitome of happiness and contentment after having worked out their relationship over decades so it runs like a finely oiled machine sprinkled with displays of spontaneous affection. I mean, isn't that what we were always promised it would be like? What are we really aiming for if nobody has the answers and the perfect marriage we've been promised is some elusive creature that is rumoured to exist but rarely ever spotted?
I feel now, more than ever, that he and I as a couple, are truly set free from any anchors or moorings we may have had and we are on our own. We cannot look to anyone but ourselves for direction. I feel like he and I are on a boat together and we have no map and no destination but we are responsible for steering that boat. I have no examples, no comparisons, no precedents that can guide me. It is all up to heart. This feeling is at once frightening and liberating. We are own our own journey now, and while we can't look to others to guide us, we most certainly can be responsible for guiding ourselves.
But the situation got me thinking. Just one month ago, I told my boyfriend that I only knew two rock solid golden couples that I knew I could count on. And my friend was one of those couples.
I went a bit loopy over hearing this news. I began wondering how i could be certain my own relationship would last if I could be so wrong in my intuitions about my friend's relationship. I mean, surely if certain "signs" are present in a relationship everything will turn out okay right? How am I supposed to know what a healthy, lasting relatinship is supposed to look like if nobody i know actually has one? It's like all this time I thought there was a map out there to get to a lasting, loving relationship and now I've found out that nobody ever knew how to get there.
I suppose I always thought that somebody had the answer. Somebody had that relationship that you're "supposed" to have. Somebody knew how to do things right. But everywhere you look people seem to be doing it wrong. Divorces happen. Relationships that seemed so right later break down. Even when people have been married for decades, you often wonder what exactly is making it work....they don't seem to be the epitome of happiness and contentment after having worked out their relationship over decades so it runs like a finely oiled machine sprinkled with displays of spontaneous affection. I mean, isn't that what we were always promised it would be like? What are we really aiming for if nobody has the answers and the perfect marriage we've been promised is some elusive creature that is rumoured to exist but rarely ever spotted?
I feel now, more than ever, that he and I as a couple, are truly set free from any anchors or moorings we may have had and we are on our own. We cannot look to anyone but ourselves for direction. I feel like he and I are on a boat together and we have no map and no destination but we are responsible for steering that boat. I have no examples, no comparisons, no precedents that can guide me. It is all up to heart. This feeling is at once frightening and liberating. We are own our own journey now, and while we can't look to others to guide us, we most certainly can be responsible for guiding ourselves.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
so there
The other day i was browsing the free section on craigslist and i came across a listing for a free type writer. I really want to have a typewriter at the wedding for guests to type messages with but it's probably not something we'll ever use again so it's not something i'm willing to spend money on. But free? okay! So i emailed the person and they emailed back with info on where to pick it up. I was so excited, first because they replied at all, and second because i was on my way to pick up a typewriter. I envisioned something like this....
But when i got there, i saw it sitting on the stairs just after i greeted the woman giving it away and thought "oh crap". It was an electric typewriter! the kind that looks like a computer keyboard and plugs into the wall and it was really ugly. I didn't have the heart to say i didn't want it. She had listed the specifications and i hadn't looked up the correct photo so it was my own fault. So i lugged the ugly thing to my car and brought it home. I put it right back up on craigslist and feared it would sit in my apartment gathering dust. Pretty soon though i had a reply and a girl who wanted to pick it up that night. When she buzzed at the door I grabbed the typewriter and practically shoved it into her arms, afraid she'd have the same reaction as me and not want to take it after all. But she and her boyfriend seemed pretty happy to have it and grinned and thanked me and i felt pretty good about the whole typewriter debacle after all. I think i even earned some good Craigslist karma. So there.
or this....
But when i got there, i saw it sitting on the stairs just after i greeted the woman giving it away and thought "oh crap". It was an electric typewriter! the kind that looks like a computer keyboard and plugs into the wall and it was really ugly. I didn't have the heart to say i didn't want it. She had listed the specifications and i hadn't looked up the correct photo so it was my own fault. So i lugged the ugly thing to my car and brought it home. I put it right back up on craigslist and feared it would sit in my apartment gathering dust. Pretty soon though i had a reply and a girl who wanted to pick it up that night. When she buzzed at the door I grabbed the typewriter and practically shoved it into her arms, afraid she'd have the same reaction as me and not want to take it after all. But she and her boyfriend seemed pretty happy to have it and grinned and thanked me and i felt pretty good about the whole typewriter debacle after all. I think i even earned some good Craigslist karma. So there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)